Losing my 19 yr. old son Jordan in a car accident on 10/12/08 has forced me into the shocking, undeniable truth that mother love does not insure control of my children’s safety. I am a wife and mother who has lived for over 20 years with lupus. I have a PhD in Developmental studies and have always loved the lives and minds of children. My work and home have centered on a love for children and the belief that all children are owed love, respect and a chance to shine. I always wanted a big family and being the mother of four fills me with pride. Losing Jordan has set me on this new path to help my family and me find a new normal.
Alwaysmomof4's Blog 
Comments on: "About the Author" (15)
Hi Jackie – We have a mutual friend, Terrie Rayburn who shared your blog with me. My family too is in the regrettable fraternity of grieving families. We lost our son, Marcus on July 8, 2009. Marcus would’ve been 8 on 7-11. He had several health issues, and a tracheostomy tube which got blocked while in the care of my parents on a little vacation. I was 12 hours away from getting on a plane to pick them up. Marcus’ tube got blocked, my dad couldn’t suction out the secretions b/c they were thick, and he lost oxygen and became unconscious and never re-gained consciousness. He was pronounced brain dead on 7.8.09.
We have a 5 year-old who was right there when all this happened and we are trying hard to help her get back to a routine and a new normal. She asks lots of hard, hard questions.
I would love to continue to receive your blog…it’s comforting to know I am not alone. Thank you for sharing what I’m feeling. Oh, how I miss my son. If you’re on Facebook I will grant you friend status and you can visit anytime.
Blessings to you as we go on this journey. I’m praying sunnier days are ahead.
Carmen Jones
Mom of Marcus and Natalie
Hi Jackie-
Andre forwarded me your blog entry about photo day. I just wanted to reach out and let you know that I was so moved, to tears. I think about Jordan from time to time, and reflect on how blessed we all are in the moments we have together. God bless,
Andrea Gray
Hello,
My name is Stephanie Chen, and I am a writer at CNN.com. I read your story in the NY Times about his Facebook page. I am working on a story about parents who have lost a child and they keep their child’s Facebook page up as a memory. I’d really like to hear more about your stor4y and I can be reached at the numbers below.
I look forward to talking to you.
Sincerely,
Stephanie Chen
Stephanie Chen
CNN.com Writer/Producer
One CNN Center
Newsroom Atrium
Atlanta, GA 30303-2762
Office: 404-878-2108
Cell: 847-668-6788
Fax: 404-878-6866
Follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/StephKChen
Hi Jackie,
As I read your entries and wept, I want to express my deepest empathy and compassion for you and your family. October 12th is approaching and my heart is with you during this painful time.
Every time I see your beautiful girls, I always think about you and I think about Jordan.
I loved hearing about your reunion with your friends at Brown. I’m happy that you were surrounded by the love and laughter of close friends and the intellectual environment that energizes you.
I also loved knowing about Jordan’s love of music. No wonder his sisters and brother love music too!
Love and Blessings,
Michelle
As Andrew’s died shortly before his 24th birthday of colorectal cancer-March 2008. His 27th Birthday coincide with Mothers Day this year. I too am a wife and mother. I am hoping to complete PhD in curriculum development and I educate Special needs children.I too have always loved the lives and minds of children. Your New York Times article resonated with me- I thought my friends and mothers who have outlived their child could relate to your words and your message..After losing my Andrew, I –ALWAYS A MOTHER OF THREE” am having great difficulty getting myself on this new path to help my family and me find a new normal.
Dear Jackie,
I thought of you and your family all weekend and hoped and prayed you found some peace during this commencement weekend.
Your writing and blog are so thoughtful and beautiful. I found out about your blog from the NY Times and have been following it ever since. My dear friend Helen buried both her sons from pulmonary fibrosis over the course of six years and reading your blog is like talking to Helen, your thoughts and feelings mirror hers. Like you, she is a strong woman trying to find her way in this world, the one without her children in it. Like you, she does so day, by day, breath by breath, with grace. Your love for your children is immense and I firmly believe that love is stronger than death. I know that Jordan feels your love each day and I thank you for sharing him with all of us.
Blessed be.
Margaret
Milton, MA
Dear Jacqueline,
Like many others I stumbled upon your blog after reading your wonderfully-written NYTimes article. You expressed so beautifully how facebook memorials can provide unexpected comfort and community. Thank you so much for your perspective on this. For the past month I’ve been researching this new way of grieving for a short audio project and have struggled to articulate its beauty. So far I’ve talked to friends of mine who have had facebook friends pass away and scholars who have studied this new way of grieving but I would really love to include your thoughts, too. Please email me if you’re at all interested or would like to learn more about the project. Thank you in advance for any help you might give.
Sincerely,
Loni
Hi Jackie
I just saw that you read my post so I came to look at your site. Your writing is very beautiful as is your family. I know that the insights and feelings that you’re sharing are and will be very helpful to many people. It is such a lonely and difficult road at times. I know that I found that people don’t really want to acknowledge it much after a time- I think because the loss of a child is just the unthinkable fear for people. It’s just more than they can let themselves bear to imagine.
I am currently developing a WP website to add more information and hope to offer some other services as well. I think I did something though that messed up the comments part of my posts so I’m trying to fix that now.
I wanted to let you know that my older son is also named Jordan and he is 23, born 12/4/88. My heart is with you and your family.
stumbled on this tonight….I am also ‘always Mom of four’….my first born, Ryan, died on December 7, 2005- he was 25 years old. He died due to a medical mistake in the hospital. My heart goes out to you and yours. It’s not easy living with a broken heart. peace.
Greetings Jackie, I’m Gloria, I was up all night just looking for a site to read about a loss of a child. After a couple of hours, I found your blog! So happy I did.Really hard to express yourself to friend & family about this experience. Unless you’ve have gone this as well. I Lost my daughter Erica Lynne (27) November,30,2012. So the pain is still fresh and alive. I have for other children.whom are also having a difficult time. I’ve been doing ALOT of emailing to friends just to vent. But have decided to stop.Every conversation would be About Erica Lynne. So I just don’t want to be the one upset their day with what I have to say. This I must say Is SUPER hard! so unatural to have a child pass while parent is still alive.
Hi Gloria, I am so sorry your daughter passed away. Our daughter Cassidy was killed in a car accident 7 months ago at the age of 21. It is devastating. Having to bury your child is the most unnatural thing to ever experience.
Jackie, thank you for your blog. You are all in my prayers.
Ms.Moore
I went to school with Jordan since Julian
I just wanted to take the time to say; lately Jordan has been on my mind so much, he was such an amazing person I remember going through a really rough time in Highschool so many guys had started rumors about me and would just do and say everything they could to make me feel like scum…Not Jordan I had started to sink so far away I started missing school all the time, Jordan always had a smile and kind words whenever I saw him in the halls, despite what other people were saying about me. Eventually people grew up, and the rumors stopped but Jordan’s smiles never did. You and your Husband raised a great man, I’m sure you know that. I’m very thankful that God allowed me to have him apart of my life.
My goodness, I am so touched by your words and beautiful memories of Jordan. Thank you for sharing them. He will continue to live in our hearts as long as we remember him and say his name. You’ve made my day.
Ms. Moore
If I could have thought of something better to do I honestly would’ve done that. I work with kids now and so I see how they can behave in a way that is contour to how their parents have raised them. I had wanted to send this in an email but couldn’t find one on the site for you. I think about back then and how hard it was for us to go against the grain and not fall in line with what all of our peers are doing, But for Jordan it didn’t seem to be hard, doing what was right seemed to come easy for him, and lucky for me, because it was the best feeling in the world to know you could walk past someone and not worry about what horrible name they were going to call you. But instead knew they would pull you aside, ask you about your day and say something funny. I want people to know that. And Jordan will always have a place in my heart. So I am more than humbled and very thankful at the thought to know I can make just one of your days because your amazing son made so many of mine.
Thank you
Hi Jackie,
I read your blog and moved into tears. The reason I started to search for online support is we lost our loving 10year old Josh last Dec 26 2014 for a flu. It also happened so suddendly , the last i saw him was he was watching TV(cartoon network) in our couch. I am not able to accept his passing away. He was our eldest one. We also had moved to a new home and this happned 3 weeks after we moved to the home.
Y’day night I had a dream and Jordan’s dorm room came in my dream. I very rarely have dreams.
Josh also came in my dream the same night. I don’t know about Jordan but somehow i felt i was connected last night. I wanted to let you know this.
My heart is ripping into pieces that Josh is no more in this world. How could this happen, how can he die with a flu in such a short time. He was my world, my friend and loving brother to his 2 siblings.
We are missing him so much, life seems to be meaningless without him. I just wanted to share this.
Regards,
Vini.