Sharing my mourning journey as my family learns to live a new normal after the death of my 19 y.o. son in an auto accident on 10/12/08.
- Decide what’s for dinner
- Help Lindsay with her homework
- Start laundry
- Pack for trip to Delaware for Aunt Frances’ funeral
- Summon courage to board plane and attend first funeral since Jordan died
- Make new holiday traditions for my family to ease our sadness
- Remember not to discard all of our old traditions-that’s where Jordan lives
- Accept moments of joy freely, however brief
- Shake off guilt that I can’t participate in my daughters’ Girl Scout outing on Saturday
- Start thank you notes that are long overdue from last October so I can stop feeling so guilty
- Stop feeling guilty about thank you notes
- Remind Merrick to do practice tests for ACT’s Saturday
- Resolve fear of sending another of my children off to college
- Try to quell my anger at God
- Hope that I can sleep all the way through one night
- Walk the dog
- Order Christmas cards and mail in time for Christmas
- Meditate
- Allow my children to help me stay in the present
- Remember to breathe
- Grieve for my boy the way I need to without apologies
- Remember to eat
- Accept when people tell me I’m a good mother
- Forgive myself for Jordan dying
- Remind myself that grief is not a linear journey
- Keep living, keep going
Alwaysmomof4's Blog 
Comments on: "To Do List" (7)
I feel you. I understand. There are jillions of things that can take us away from the pain, however brief, and the loss is right below the surface. Feel it all and just keep going, even if it is slow, even if you park, even if you go backwards…just keep going.
Forgive yourself. You had no control over what happened.When bad things happen to our children, our mother instincts delude us into thinking we had some supernatural ability to stop terrible events. We need to believe that we can control circumstances that befall our children, becase they are so precious us. We can not go around living with our hearts outside of ourselves, vulnerable and unprotected from injury and pain. To survive as mothers, we convince ourselves that we can protect them in all circumstances.
The World speaks otherwise. Jordan was taken. The cause of the accident is difficult to understand, process, or accept. Such disproportionate loss is out of sync with the all that we do and beleive as mothers. And so you look for a reason. In trying to understand, you blame yourself. But the delusion we mothers live by, that is, the bel\ief, that we can protect our children no matter the event, the place, the circumstances, was broken with Jordan’s accident. But Jackie, the breaking of the delusion that we mothers live by, is now making you blame yourself. But you had no control over what happened. It will never be yoir fault.
Try to embrace yourself for having given Jordan the best life and the most wonderful mother he could possibly have had while he was here. Jordan has passed, but he lived a life that was rich in love and joy while he was here. Jackie, you gave him a great mother while he was here. All that you could do, you did. Keep going.
My brain knows every word you speaks is truth. My guilt is easing I think. The mother part of me continues to struggle with the fact that I didn’t keep my child safe. Working to connect my brain and heart on this one.
Let us brain storm as to how to find a place to keep that backpack…
It definitely needs a new home or at least to be made lighter.
We have never met, we are strangers, but thank you for writing.
You are beautiful, made by God. Please know He is so near. You wrote that you need to quell your anger at God. Don’t try to quell that anger with your own strength. Just talk to him, tell him all about your anger. It’s OK.
I’ve said a prayer for you and all those near to you. Bless you.
Thank you for your comforting words and for keeping my family and me in your prayers.