“Interesting how these days come and go regardless… you are still here and the questions remain.” (Facebook message from my friend Tom who knows loss too well)
I spent time on Jordan’s birthday sitting on the edge of my bed looking through the leather-handled box that holds mementos of him. Through sobs, I looked at some of my favorite pictures of him that I like to keep close so that I can hold them to my heart and then kiss his face. I re-read letters he had written to me as a boy, most of them of the “I’m Sorry” variety. I opened the bag that held his hairbrush, held it to my nose and inhaled trying to have him close by his scent. This was my private time with Jordan. Time to reflect on how big and wide my love and longing for him is. It is so hard to believe that the universe stays in motion when my world is upended.
On Jordan’s birthday my daughter Kendall suddenly asked if the mail would be delivered that day. I quickly answered, “Yes” and returned to loading the dishwasher. A few moments later after listening to her talk with her sister, I figured out why she’d asked the question. It was Jordan’s birthday and she assumed that it was a holiday and mail service would be stopped. The innocence of her question illustrated how all of us that love and miss Jordan were feeling. Why wasn’t there a pause in the Universe? The world should have stopped moving at least for a moment on August 9th because Jordan’s not here and his birthday is, again. As outrageous and illogical as it is, it is still hard to believe that the world keeps going when unbelievable heartache surrounds my family and I and keeps us tethered to sorrow.
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Comments on: "The World Keeps Turning" (4)
Jackie, I so understand how Kendall feels. I haven’t lost a child but my mother committed suicide in March 2001. My life changed forever on that day and the thing that almost killed me was that the world kept going. I needed it to stop so I could get my bearings. I know now that if it had, it would still be at a standstill because I still have not gotten my bearings. I am still at a complete and total loss as to why that happened.
Thinking of you from Tennessee and sending you wishes for peace.
Claire
I just want you to know that I found your story online and I am praying for you and your family. I can not even begin to understand the grief you are going through, but your son will never be forgotten. Love from Florida…
I get this same feeling so often, Jackie. Even though I’m finally moving forward (at least somewhat), I still have trouble understanding how the world is moving so much faster than I am ready to. And I am trying to ignore the notion that perhaps the world expects me to be moving faster than I am. Please know that for the time that I spent with you and Jordan on his birthday, my part of the world stopped turning, for just that minute or two. If only that were enough.